June 18th 2016. That’s the first time we talked about having a baby. It was my sisters wedding. We were standing side by side watching the beautiful sunset over the lake. I said “Babe” in a whisper, “I’m ready to make a baby with you.” The non blinking look in Chris’s eyes explained it all. Pure fear! It was clear as day. After a few moments and his eyes were too dry not to blink, he looked at me and said “Today?”

All I could do is smile at him, because a year and a half before that he had broke up with me. The day I was to move in with him he told me he did not want children and I did. That is a long story I will tell you later.

After the holidays, January 2017, is when we would start “officially” trying. Assuming we would get pregnant right away, we would have a Halloween baby. I was so excited I started pinning baby announcements, baby clothes, room decor, even buying clothes for me that had room for growth!

I told everyone we are having a baby. That was a mistake.

Well, 2 and a half years later, no baby. I turned 38 this past September. Now I am officially old in the baby making world, according to doctors and statistics. Everything gets harder from here. “Your Biological clock is ticking” Yes! Someone actually said that to me the other day! Are you FU#&*$@ kidding me? I thought that was a movie term and mostly a joke.

So, The baby making thing, not that great so far. The act of making a baby, no complaints. We have had some rough patches though, I’ll tell ya! I’ve probably left Chris about 15 times over this not getting pregnant thing. Not really, but it’s what I always do when I’m mad at him. I pretend to pack my bags and leave. I did once, to my sisters house for 2 nights. Who was I kidding though? Chris is the love of my life! He is incredible! He supports me on everything. He’s encouraging, loving, hardworking, dedicated, and all he wants to do, is make me happy. I landed a good one friends. I’m not going anywhere. He may leave my crazy butt one day, but probably not.

So what’s this blog about?

It’s about the two of us, waiting too long to find out why we weren’t getting pregnant. Technically it’s been two and a half years since we decided to start trying. we stopped being protected July 2016 and actively timing things, meaning Sex and Ovulation in January 2017.

It’s a long story why we waited to find out, with lots of gory, scary details. As any relationship we had a lot of growing and connecting before we could start a family. We ask ourselves now, should we have let ourselves connect and grow before we tried to get pregnant? Or should we have jumped in and grew with our child?

Knowing what we know now, what we didn’t know then.

It turns out we have some fertility issues. I’m sure your saying, “So I gathered.” I am honestly thankful for our choices and the path we have taken. I have cried, a lot. One time or three, I cried every tear in my body. To the point it hurt to blink for two days. I cried so much my sinuses hurt for a good 48 hours. My teeth hurt they were so swollen. Has it been hard? Incredibly! Would I change it? No! Do I wish it were different? I do not know that answer yet.

We found out before The holidays that Chris doesn’t have the ideal sperm count to conceive naturally. This is actually very common, more than the average person knows. I’d like to dig into this topic in a later post, so I can get proper statistics. I had a feeling this was our issue. We do not know why yet. That is the next step we are going to take at the end of this month. First let me tell you a little bit about my amazing man.

Chris is 10 years older than me. He lives life to the fullest. He loves adventures. He’s participated in almost every scary sport out there. Including mountain climbing, down hill mountain biking, free diving, scuba diving, fishing, hiking, skiing, skateboarding, BMX, the list goes on. He grew up in the 70’s. Kick the can was something you actually played back then. If he could find something to do that could be more manly / boyish he would do it. He didn’t care if it hurt or he bleed, or broke and arm. He just wanted to do it. Chris is also the hardest working person I know. If he starts a project he will finish it and to perfection. He leaves the house at 5:15 to take public transit to the city and returns home at 3:30 and does not stop there. I have to fiscally sit him down for dinner or he would not eat. He always finds something to do. He is also my personal heater. Chris runs at 100 degrees most of the time. Not really but as it seems. He has more energy than a 5 year old. It boggles my mind.

When we didn’t get pregnant the first 3 months of unprotected sex I figured it to be because of his constant body heat. The common thing they say that causes men to have infertility issues is tight pants, health issues, drug abuse, age, hot tubs, smoking. I just figured because Chris was always so hot it was like the equivalent as sitting in a hot tub.

But what did I know!? I’m not a doctor. I also hadn’t researched infertility till recently. Even though there’s a lot of information on the internet, it’s still not enough. It’s also too much, and confusing, and frustrating, and scary, and, and, and. Ugh just talking about it makes me want to cry.

We have been though so much already and the only place to start, is from the beginning. Because we are not at the beginning any more, and we are in the midst of starting the fertility process, I will post as things move along about where we are at? In between, since this is such a long crazy process, I’d like to wright how we got to this point. Called “FLASHBACKS” if you will.

I am not a good writer what so ever. I can not spell. Thank goodness for spell check. I also never know when the correct time to place a cama. I just spell checked cama! I have decided to write this blog because I needed to vent. I needed to talk about what is going on. I need help and support! Infertility is such a common thing these days, but when you are in a new town, have no connections, very little family and friends around, have not established doctors yet and doing it basically on your own. It’s in the least, a little lonely.

So please join me. Talk with me. Comment -positive comments only please. Bare with my terrible writing.

I’ll see you next post ❤